Mylan Park Renamed "Unemployment Park"

MORGANTOWN — Mylan Park has been a popular sports and recreation venue in Morgantown for the last two decades, but as a result of the Mylan merger, a name change is in order. Welcome to Unemployment Park.

Mylan completed the merger with Pfizer’s Upjohn unit, which sounds like a shitty joke. “Hey, did you hear that Mylan completed a merger with Upjohn?” And then you say, “What’s Upjohn?” and we all laugh and laugh as five percent of the population of Morgantown loses jobs.

The company will be renamed Viatris, and they wanted to force the park to change its name as well — just to let residents know who Daddy is — but the parks and recreation committee shot down both Viatris Park and Pfizer Park.

The board decided to go with Unemployment Park after a citizen reminded the committee of the merger’s ramifications that probably lined Joe Manchin’s pockets.

Joe Manchin, despite being one of the most politically powerful people in the world, had absolutely no way of preventing or swaying this decision to close the plant that his daughter has been running like an amoral grave-digging machine for nearly twenty years.

Anyway, welcome to Unemployment Park! Where, even in your time of leisure, you can be reminded that your elected officials and the horrors of capitalism do not give a shit about you or your loved ones. Now offering yoga classes.